some jokes for the end of the weekend...:) :)

Hope everyone had a nice weekend? If not so much, I guess some funny jokes could repair that?

Why did the banker and his wife get divorced? They lost interest. Via Daryl Grant

Two five year old boys are standing at the toliet to piss. one says your thing dosen't have any skin on it. i've been circumcised the other replied. whats that mean ? it means they cut the skin off the end. how old were you when it was cut off. my mom says i was two days old. did it hurt the kid asked . you bet it hurt i didn't walk for a year...

Husband is throwing darts at his wife's photo, not a single dart is hitting the target. Wife calls out, "Honey, what are you doing?" Husband: "Missing you!"  

To make love with all the women in the world is number one dream of all men... Strangely, the men who could really claim they fulfilled it are so called nerds with good imagination... from my future Incredible Future :).

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

My sinecere condoleneces to all the victims' families and relatives in the school in New Town, Connecticut...

 This post should be about my jokes for the weekend or the beginning of the new week, yet the dreadful murder of twenty innocent kids and six of their teachers in New Town, Connecticut, USA was so brutal, cruel and meaningless that jokes would not be appropriate at all…

My sincere condolences to all the victims’ families and relatives must be the only written words here, as well as some good suggestions and thoughts I found in Internet. I’m not an America citizen and an expert in USA’s Constitution and all the good and bad sides of America’s laws, but it’s obvious after such a horror (and it’s not the only one) there must be some changes made in some of them (I was in shock with the words of an American weapon expert who said on the news that in Virginia one has to be twenty one year old to drink and buy alcohol in restaurants and shops but when one wants to buy a weapon, no one would ask for an ID card!)…

And I won’t discuss the issue that Americans should be so concerned about the dead kids in other countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, Serbia, etc because of USA’s bombing as they are about the poor little souls who lost their lives in the school in New Town, as the goal of this post is not about that:

   

TURN OFF THE NEWS.......

Morgan Freeman's brilliant take on what happened yesterday :

"You want to know why. This may sound cynical, but here's why.

It's because of the way the media reports it. Flip on the news and watch how we treat the Batman theater shooter and the Oregon mall shooter like celebrities. Dylan Klebold and Eric Harris are household names, but do you know the name of a single *victim* of Columbine? Disturbed
people who would otherwise just off themselves in their basements see the news and want to top it by doing something worse, and going out in a memorable way. Why a grade school? Why children? Because he'll be remembered as a horrible monster, instead of a sad nobody.

CNN's article says that if the body count "holds up", this will rank as the second deadliest shooting behind Virginia Tech, as if statistics somehow make one shooting worse than another. Then they post a video interview of third-graders for all the details of what they saw and heard while the shootings were happening. Fox News has plastered the killer's face on all their reports for hours. Any articles or news stories yet that focus on the victims and ignore the killer's identity? None that I've seen yet. Because they don't sell. So congratulations, sensationalist media, you've just lit the fire for someone to top this and knock off a day care center or a maternity ward next.

You can help by forgetting you ever read this man's name, and remembering the name of at least one victim. You can help by donating to mental health research instead of pointing to gun control as the problem. You can help by turning off the news."

http://www.businessinsider.com/the-right-to-bear-arms-2012-7

A state-of-the-art assault weapon in 1791

Yes, we have this debate every time some sick bastard buys some guns and shoots innocent people, and I have no doubt that this episode of the the debate will end the same way it always does:
With each side endlessly repeating their usual bullet points and then getting bored and moving on.
And then in another week or month or year, some other sick bastard will buy himself a cache of weapons and slaughter more innocent people, and then we'll have the debate again.
And so on...
And that's understandable, if frustrating--especially for those whose family members and friends are the ones who are killed.
For better and worse, we do have a constitutional "right to bear arms" in this country, and it should take a broad consensus to amend the Constitution. And, yes, it probably does make sense for us to have at least some right to bear some arms, even if having the right to buy quasi-machine guns like the one used in the Colorado massacre seems ludicrous. And there's a vast difference between bearing some arms in, say, Wyoming, and bearing them in New York City, where the population density is a tad higher, and so forth. So, of course, this is going to be a contentious and impassioned debate.
But can we at least agree on one thing?
Can we at least agree that, since 1791, when the Second Amendment was ratified, the country's circumstances have changed?
In 1791, for example:

• There were only 3.9 million Americans
• The "arms" we gave ourselves the right to bear were vastly less powerful--namely they were single-shot muskets that had to be manually loaded with powder and ball for each shot, versus today's semi-automatic assault weapons that spray 50-60 high-caliber bullets per minute
• It was legal to own slaves in some parts of the country (Constitutionally permissible behavior that, fortunately, changed)
• "America" didn't extend west of the Mississippi River (and, really, it was only the 13 colonies)
• Indians still attacked occasionally
• We hunted a lot of our food
• "States" really were separate countries in those days--it took months to travel from one end of the country to the other
• The "frontier" (and many other parts of the country) was essentially lawless: Citizens had to protect themselves, because no one else was around to do it (Now, most states have well-armed police forces, etc.)
• And so on...

Basically, can we at least agree that giving ourselves the unfettered right to buy, sell, and own whatever kinds of weapons we want might have made more sense in 1791 than it does today--and, therefore, that it's a bit unfair to couch this debate in terms of "defending the Constitution" and/or trying to figure out what the Framers meant by "a well-regulated militia"?

Getty The Framers meant THESE arms when they wrote the Second Amendment? Really??

I mean, do folks really think that if the "Framers" had seen what happened in that Colorado movie theater last week, they still would have written the Second Amendment the way they did--with no qualifications?

Yes, this point is academic, because the Second Amendment is what it is.
But can we all at least agree that it's a bit, if nothing else, outdated?
Or are we all totally cool with any old sick bastard being able to buy as many quasi-machine guns as he or she wants?
SEE ALSO: As Governor Of Mass, Mitt Romney Banned The Assault Weapon Used In The Colorado Massacre

Read more: http://www.businessinsider.com/the-right-to-bear-arms-2012-7#ixzz2FDowg3qf

Winner(!!!!!) of MOST IMPORTANT POST OF THE YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Art Schultz:

Finally, I will say this about the mass murders in Connecticut.

All too often, People hide inactivity behind prayer, hoping things will get better without taking any action themselves, By all means Pray if you feel the need
To do so. just remember that it does not end there. You have not done your
Part which is to become ACTIVE. Do not become angry because God did not

Do something amazing to compensate for mans passivity and laziness.

The mental health and the future of this Nation and all nations rests upon
Our caring enough for our Children, working and middle class, our Military , Women , Seniors, LGBT, and all people who are DIFFERENT than us.

The fact that you may not live forever or feel that the well being of strangers
Has nothing to do with you is WRONG. You, a Family Member or someone
You know can just as easily become the next victim in a major incident.

It is time that I , we and YOU let your elected officials know that we care
About people who need psychiatric help, help with having health care, a
Roof over their heads, and food on their tables.

it is time that I, We and YOU demand GUN CONTROL. taking guns totally
Away from people is NOT what I am suggesting. I am saying we need better
Controls on WHO can have an Gun, how many and why. it is time that
People with mental and emotional issues not be allowed to just slip through
The crack and be able to weapons as easily as one buys a candy bar.

This will not be the last such massacre.They will continue to happen until
WE decide that it must stop. The news can help by not continually talking
About the perps who bare sick, sick individuals who in part do these things
Because they know they will have a place in history albeit a sick one.
Already, somewhere there is some sick person already thinking about how
They can break the record and show up the last one.

Finally, by all means PRAY, but please take ACTION too and call your
Elected officials, Visit your Childs school and know who their friends are
And let someone know when you see REAL antisocial tendencies in children.
They might get the help they need if WE demand it. No age is too young.

What you DO from this day forward is what will prevent others copycat
Incidents. All of the Prayer, Candles , flowers, vigils and Teddy Bears left
On the side of buildings and parks are useless compared to actually DOING
Something.

PEACE

 

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

jokes after Thanksgiving...:) not good for kids...

Hope everyone who celebrated had a nice feast?

"I want to wear a real pearl necklace in the fist act!" an actress was whimsical, telling to her director.
"Ok, but then the poison you drink in the last act should be real too..." says the director.


The jinn from lamp finally said to Aladin: "When I see how you rub the lamp, I assume you still don;t have a girlfriend..."

In the court the judge said to the 80 year old defendant: "Last Friday you raped an old lady at 9 p.m. in the park, then at 10 p.m. you raped a young blonde lady in the city main square, and at 11 p.m. you raped a beautiful student at the railway station... But that's impossible!"
"Impossible my ass..." replies the defendant. "I have a bicycle..."

And as I'll finish my next The Opposite Of Magic soon, I couldn't refrain from posting a quote from there, quote I like very much: Blessed is the one who wins, but incomparably more blessed is that one who wins with honour. Ruler Beogard’s people’s saying. And cheating with honour is as worthy of respect as winning honestly, as the leader of the sea traders Godrick would add...

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,  

The best way to bring up children.

“Eat your vegetables!”, “Be very careful when you get across the streets!”, “Chew well!”, “Do your homework!”, “Come back at home before 10 p. m.!”, “Don’t watch restricted movies!”, “Don’t bring any animals at home!”, etc… Everyone have heard these or similar restrictions and orders from our parents, and of course everyone of us hated such rules as nothing else in the world. Although, when kids grow up they see the good in most of these restrictions, yet there are many others that usually make no sense and could leave a deep scar even in a grown-up youngster’s soul…

I guess there is an unwritten rule that few parents would admit some of their methods for upbringing could cause much more harm than good. Of course, there are so many examples which prove the opposite that probably every grown-up kid could name one or two. I’m sure some of these examples could even break the hearts of the toughest guys, fortunately I’ve just heard and read about them (I’ll never forget an article in a newspaper about a kid in China as far as I remember, whose parents kept him locked in a cage in the basement so that he could cause no trouble and would learn all about discipline, etc). Yet, though not so disturbing, those of some parents’ methods that affect mostly the soul could be really harmful too. This is not just my opinion apparently, a friend of mine will never forget how badly his grandmother treated him from time to time (she had thrown away his entire collection of cigarette boxes, though he didn’t like cigarettes themselves and even now, when he’s a grown up, he doesn’t smoke and never stopped to hate these small men killers). Many of my other friends and acquaintances (including me) will always remember their moms and dads’ bad attitude towards their pets (I still miss my hamster whose fate was almost the same as that of my friend’s cigarette boxes’ collection and I will always feel sorry that I wasn’t allowed to have anything like a cat or dog in the flat). Many grown up kids also think to listen to their parents’ constant mocking remarks about their kids’ hobbies, likes and dislikes could be even worse (I still feel bad remembering my mom and dad’s opinion about my favourite fantasy and sci-fi movies and books, a lot of my friends share the same thoughts about their parents’ attitude too)…

Children are not guilty for their parents’ mistakes, but it’s not an obstacle for them to repeat the same mistakes as grown-ups. I guess this quote from Star Gate should be remembered well by all moms and dads. As well as the thought the wrong attitude towards their kids could even cause enough troubles for their future jobs and carriers (just for example, if my parents were more kindly disposed to my passion for fantasy, sci-fi and all sorts of animals and plants, I would start writing much earlier and would probably find a really good job on time). Many grown up kids could share much worse examples, I guess?

Dear parents, don’t forget kids are one of the best ways for us to evolve in better persons and, for the present, our only way for immortality. Children could be very different from their moms and dads, but in many cases this could be the most wonderful thing (whose parents wouldn’t be proud of their heirs if they become the best in exactly in these areas, activities and jobs the people who raised them didn’t like and tried to forbid?). 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew

http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

                      

The best way to write a book.

Once a friend/colleague of mine asked me which was more difficult to do: writing of books or a hard physical work like digging of channels for example. It was a joke question, of course but to his great surprise, my answer was the opposite of what he expected. Actually, I didn’t claim to write a good story should always be harder than any tiring physical work. Yet, I explained that oftentimes it requires much more effort, tension (physical and mental) and work than any other activity. Well, I guess not all the authors would agree with me, for a lot of them to write a good story one needs just a good imagination. Quite the contrary, I would reply, I mentioned about that in some other posts/notes of mine but it’s too important not to mention it again. Writing requires not only good writing skills, sufficient ability to imagine incredible creatures, events, etc, but also a lot of knowledge and experience for many of the written stories to become more real, interesting and breath-taking. I also explained the best ways to write good manuscripts are usually the hardest, as they include a lot of searching for information too, a writer shouldn’t claim his/her writing is good enough if it’s not preceded by a lot of experience or strivings to learn and live through all the tricks, details, even horrors and happy moments in a story. As the most important in writing is the good final result, not finding the most beautiful and comfortable place to write, or using the best device to write down a writer’s thoughts, namely a PC, laptop, or tablet. Usually, good final plots, stories require also some other efforts, not less important than gathering of information, like experiencing the characters’ all feelings, deeds, emotions to describe the heroes or villains’ inner world in the proper way, not just the gripping adventures and events. There’s a basic rule in writing I try to follow after I wrote my first Tale Of The Rock Pieces, to write a really good manuscript a writer must become a part of the story, as the story must become a part of a writer too. Then, a book would become a part of reality and could fulfill its most important purpose, to inspire readers, help them overcome different situations or improve their health, mentality, etc, more than entertain and relieve from our daily cares and mishaps…       

I know there probably are as many opinions for this topic as there are writers, but I hope every writer would agree with me at least to some extent?  

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew

http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

          

some jokes for middle of September :)

The photo was sent from a good friend of mine, so I don't know the photographer and the jokes are not all mine as usual :).
In a chatting room: "How tall are you?"
"145 cm..."
"You are a little princess! And how much you weight?"
"Even less than that! 120 kg only..."

A colonel had to send a couple of soldiers to a dangerous mission, so he gathered all of them and asked:
" I need a few of you but to which I didn't lend money..."

Such a conversation we could hear only in an ideal family:
"Dear, go to have some beers with your friends."
"I can't honey. I haven't finished cleaning with the vacuum cleaner..."

A mother said to her child: Soon we'll have another kid! What would you like it to be - a brother or a sister?"
"Well, mom, if it won't affect your figure too much I'd like a pony..."

What would one expect from a world where one of the most delicious (chocolate) things looks the same way as one of the most disgusting (s...t)... my future Incredible Future :). 
Have a great week, everyone! :) :)   

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://allanbard.hit.bg,  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.shelfari.com/allanbard, myspace.com/ivan_allanbard, http://www.facebook.com/ivanstoikov.allanbard, ,

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