Happy 1st April, everyone ;)! Some jokes to make you feel better if you've been fooled...

If a young lady can pick up 2 kg of whortleberries for a day in the woods, and a young boy could pick up 3 kg of whortleberries for the same time, then it doesn't mean that if they both go to the forest at the same time they would pick up 5 kg of whortleberries for a day...

A teacher asked a student to name a few animals, starting at 2 and then increasing the number of the species by one: "Lion and..." said the first.
"Lion, tiger and..." said the 2nd.
"Lion, tiger, rabbit and..." said the 3rd.
"Two lions, two tigers and a rabbit..." said the 4th.

 A train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am may I have that seat"?
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
Please Ma'am, may I sit down, I'm very tired?. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant".
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing."
“You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. You drink your beer cold.
"And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..

To blame the majority for the sins of a few is as wise as blaming the passengers for the driver's mistakes. my future Origin Of Gods.

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http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

some jokes for the beginning of spring :)

Wish you a nice spring-time, everyone :)!

via Mari Eta: It's not shameful for a man to cry... It's shameful when his make-up is washed out...

Via Sanjay Shukla: INDIA:HEAVEN ON EARTH:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God.

' O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, Germany and France ...

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 Per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read

'One
Rupee per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call'.This is the only heaven on the Earth. 
KEEP SMILING 
If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!

Via Mari Eta: Never wrap a GMO fish in a newspaper... The GMO bastard fills in the crossword puzzle...

And my usual quote/thought from some of my writings:

(Oftentimes) the best way toward courage is knowledge… from my Lake Mystery.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

some jokes before Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, everyone! Best wishes!

Merry Christmas, everyone! Best of the best wishes! Hope some of these jokes/anecdotes could help for the good Christmas spirit :):

A kid told to his friend: "My father is a construction worker, every time when I tell him 2 + 2=4, I eat ice-cream!"
"Well," said the other kid. "My father is a waiter and every time when I tell him 2+2=4, I eat some slaps..."

Via Rose Smith:

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher was broken but she could not be there when the repairman came.
So she left a note on the door and the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill,
on the counter, and I will mail you the bill. Oh, and by the way don't worry about my bull dog.
He won't bother you, but whatever you do , do not under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!

The repairman arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day. He discovers the biggest and
meanest looking Bull Dog he has ever seen, but just as she said, the dog lays there on the carpet
watching the repairman go about his business. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole
time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself
any longer and yelled: "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied:
"Get him, Spike!"

Always remember to follow your instructions, and have a good day.

From a letter to a famous cooking magazine: "Dear magazine! Thank you for your great recipe! I've changed the truffles with mashed potatoes and the lobsters with chopped sausages, but actually I liked your recipe for salad with lobsters and truffles very much!"

They say good boys go to heaven and bad boys wherever they want... What they don't mention is the reason for that is the difference between being bad and evil is as enormous as the difference between earth and sky... from my future Space Ghosts. 
http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://allanbard.hit.bg,
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08HTXf00CJ0, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmVW4-030Yc,
http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com,www.allanbard.wordpress.com,
 http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov/121092637984053?sk=wall,

http://www.shelfari.com/allanbard,myspace.com/ivan_allanbard,

     

 

some jokes for the weekend ;)...

In Bulgaria they say you cannot carry 2 water melons under one armpit (sorry, can't remember the English version :). Yet, as some of my characters say: If we use all the opportunities, then even the laws of nature wouldn't be an obstacle... That's why I guess even in the most tense times (as happened to me recently, so I could not post regularly at my blog/s) one could find a solution to fulfill his/her tasks... Hope some of these jokes/anecdotes I will re post will make anyone's weekend better :): 

via Rose Smith: The Toughest Man In The Bar.A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: "I went by your grandma's house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!" The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leans on the table again and says: "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!" The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says Nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, "I'll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!" At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders, looks him square in the eyes and says...

"Grandpa,....... Go home, you're drunk." 

 

Via Rose Smith: If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Via Rose Smith: A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away. The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress.""Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infiniti or Lexus in the garage, and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

 

  If the morning is wiser than the evening, then an evening could be funnier, crazier, much more interesting, much more magnificent, way more awesome or glorious than any morning hour, minute moment, or second... from my future Space Hide & Seek.

 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com

http://www.flickr.com/photos/allanbard/,

www.allanbard.wordpress.com

 

jokes for the beginning of the new week and the end of the weekend :)

Some of the bad consequences of being too busy with many different errands is that one could hardly post at his/her blog... Yet, there is always a light in the end of tunnel - to deal with every task/errnad seems not so hard at moments, if only we organize our time well :)....

Two passengers are traveling in a train and the one looks at the other from top to toe. Finally, he says:
"It seems, you look just like my wife, if I just ignore the mustache..."
"But I don't wear a mustache?" says the other.
"Yes, you don't... But my wife wears one..."

Via Joe O’Connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn't make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there's that much more chocolate...

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's asshole.

 

Evolution could be a crazy thing sometimes - it could create people who could be so narrow-minded to like and love only one book, movie, idea, song... from my future Space Ghosts.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

Some interesting & important facts about animals and plants.

One of the basic rules of articles/posts/notes’ writing is that no author should write that way so that the potential readers would feel stupid and incompetent. Probably some people would be offended by this post/note of mine (if it shows their ignorance), but I hope even they would agree such info could help anyone to discover the wonders of our world, to correct some mistakes many of us do all the time, to change our opinion about the “nasty” or “scary” creatures we come across every day. Being graduated in biology, I couldn’t refrain from posting some of these facts, in brief (I use many similar in some of my books too):

Plants are living beings, so they do breathe as all the animals, though they “inhale” oxygen mostly in the daytime, and “exhale” carbon dioxide in the night.

Chickens are the most common birds in the world, not pigeons or sparrows, we could find them on almost every continent, not in the coldest places only.

Whales and dolphins are not fish, they are mammals and breathe air like every other terrestrial beings. The easiest way to distinguish such sea mammals from fish would be to have a look at their tails. All the modern sea mammals have horizontal tails, which are a perfect tool to dive and come out to the surface to breathe air. Fish’s tails are vertical.

To cut a worm in two pieces doesn’t make two worms, though the creature regenerates. The part with the end regenerates an end where it is cut, so soon after that it could not do all the vital things which keep it alive.

Just because crocodiles live most of the time in water doesn’t make them amphibians. They are reptiles, terrestrial beings that like water. The best way to find out which element of nature is primal for any species is to see where that species breed (so, crocodiles are terrestrial, frogs are amphibian).

Spiders are not insects, thought they are close-related. Insects are at a higher state of evolution, they have 6 legs, spiders have 8.

Birds hate to be touched and caressed, as that way we usually ruffle their feathers (it takes a lot of time to set them right, it seems). Yet, they all like to be touched and caressed on the head, there and then the feeling is similar to the one they feel when they scratch their heads with their claws.

 Plesiosaurs and pterodactyls are not dinosaurs, they belong to different groups, which are close to that of dinosaurs, yet not exactly the same.

The adult moths don’t eat our clothes, they don’t have a mouth or any digestive tract, their larvae are the ones who we have to blame…

All the mosquitoes that bite us and carry all those awful deceases are females; males eat nectar from flowers… etc.

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

jokes after the middle of the week and before the weekend...;)

"We threw a lot of eggs at the politicians at the yesterday's meeting..."
"But I've heard there were a lot of applause?"
"That was only when the eggs hit them..."

When they asked some teachers to name three reasons why they like their job, they all answered: "June, July and August..."

"Now what's your excuse?" asked a teacher a schoolboy who was late for school again.
"I saw a lady who lost 100 $..."
"Oh, and you helped her to find them?"
"Not exactly... I stepped and stood on them until she left..."

What is trash for some people, maybe gold for others... from my future Incredible Future :). Have a nice rest of the week, everyone!

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

middle of the week jokes, everyone! :) some not too for kids, though...

I hope some of my friends from facebook will like to see some of the jokes they shared at the site here too : 

Via Joe O'connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn't make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there's that much more chocolate... 

Via Lynne Pentney: I was at the post office, when I see a blond woman shouting into an envelope. I asked, "What are you doing?" The blond replied,"Sending a voice mail..."

"Is it true that after the divorce you still live with your esx-wife?" a man asked his friend. 
"Yes..."
"So, is your life better now?"
"Not at all... The only difference is that when we quarrel and she throws dishes at me, she hits me every time..."

 Too much striving for cleaning leads to a dirty mind... my future Incredible Future.

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 

  

Jack The Giant Slayer – one of the ancient fairy-tales told in a better way.

  “As a king I could pay you a lot of gold, as a father I will never be able to pay you back…” This line from the movie Jack The Giant Slayer (I can’t remember the exact words, actually, but the meaning was the same) was one of the many things in this old-story-told-in-a-better-modern-way that would make any fan realize motion pictures could improve and develop the old fairy-tales and be much better, wiser or even funnier than the one-time adventures our parents used to put us to bed with.

I guess many fantasy fans and critics would say the movie is too naive and childish, yet everyone should agree it’s a fairy-tale and everything there should be much different than our everyday boring routine. That’s why any critic should admire the good job the movie crew have done creating the breath-taking plot, the amazing fairy-tale creatures, the brave deeds or some characters’ wise thoughts. Motion pictures like Jack The Giant Slayer could really inspire any fantasy fan to show some brave actions, to look not only for the amazing special effects in such movies but for wise thoughts and quotes too, and to have such fun in the movie hall as it could never happen with another story about our modern life…

Actually, if you’ve seen The Hobbit before Jack The Giant Slayer, you wouldn’t be so impressed by the special effects in the fairy-tale with the magical beans. At moments, the giants are as “good-looking” as some of the orcs, yet as a whole the costumes and the horrible creatures from Bilbo Baggins’ story were more impressive. It doesn’t mean, of course, that the other qualities of Jack’s story are not good enough. A friend of mine from UK said it was a typical English movie, showing some good sides of monarchy too (noble thoughts and actions of kings and princesses, their compassion and honorable behavior, etc). I guess this motion picture could become another reason for English people to love their queen?

Jack, The Giant Slayer includes some horrible scenes, I have to admit, and though we are accustomed to such violence in movies already (it couldn’t be put in a row with real horror motion pictures, of course, like Friday 13^th, A Nightmare On Elm Street, etc), some people with faint hearts should close their eyes at some of the dreadful moments… Anyway, the excellent crew is another plus for the movie: Nicholas Hoult as Jack is a typical hero from most fairy-tales we’ve read, Eleanor Tomlinson is amazing and not typical princess from most of the stories form our childhood, Ewan McGregor is a great guardian and soldier, Stanley Tucci is perfect as a traitor, Bill Nighy is one of the nastiest and most cunning giants you’d ever see, Ian McShane is a king many countries would be proud of, etc…

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

         

Happy April's Fool Day, everyone :)!

Happy April's Fool day, everyone! Hope your lies/pranks were/are/will be better and more than those of the other who try to lie and make a fun of you...:). Anyway, a few good jokes could make the day perfect even for the victims of the others' pranks and lies: 

THE POLISH DIVORCE -(Joke shared by Avinash Kamat)

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

...POLISH REMOVER..!!

"Your weight is not compatible with your height" said a diet expert to a fat guy. "You see now," the fat guy said to his friends. "I'm tall, not fat!!!"

All the kids have imaginary friends, only those who train martial arts have imaginary enemies... from my future Kids' Funny Business, or Space Parasites.  

http://www.shelfari.com/allanbard, myspace.com/ivan_allanbard, http://www.facebook.com/ivanstoikov.allanbard, ,

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://allanbard.hit.bg,  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,