some jokes for the beginning of May ;)

Via Bill Koller: An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels .
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

New thief prisoner enters in his cell: “Why you put these bars on the windows?” the thief asks the warder. “Because of security…” answers the wader. “You are insane! Who will try to enter and steal something from the prison???

 

Via Mari Eta: Preparing for a hunt, a father took his son's cigarettes... Until afternoon, he had already shot a dragon, 3 mermaids and 2 trolls...

Plus a new thought from a book of mine: If we don't forget that the common & ordinary could be much more amazing, funnier or fantastic than the incredible dreams, then we won't be able to find out the real fantasy. My A Writer's Adventures.

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard,

www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

Happy 1st April, everyone ;)! Some jokes to make you feel better if you've been fooled...

If a young lady can pick up 2 kg of whortleberries for a day in the woods, and a young boy could pick up 3 kg of whortleberries for the same time, then it doesn't mean that if they both go to the forest at the same time they would pick up 5 kg of whortleberries for a day...

A teacher asked a student to name a few animals, starting at 2 and then increasing the number of the species by one: "Lion and..." said the first.
"Lion, tiger and..." said the 2nd.
"Lion, tiger, rabbit and..." said the 3rd.
"Two lions, two tigers and a rabbit..." said the 4th.

 A train was quite crowded and a U.S. Marine walked the entire length of the train looking for a seat,
but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged French woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am may I have that seat"?
The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.
Please Ma'am, may I sit down, I'm very tired?. She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude you are also arrogant".
This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up. "Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing."
“You hold your fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. You drink your beer cold.
"And now Sir you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window..

To blame the majority for the sins of a few is as wise as blaming the passengers for the driver's mistakes. my future Origin Of Gods.

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

some jokes for the beginning of spring :)

Wish you a nice spring-time, everyone :)!

via Mari Eta: It's not shameful for a man to cry... It's shameful when his make-up is washed out...

Via Sanjay Shukla: INDIA:HEAVEN ON EARTH:
An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the World.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to China.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he Noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what The telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Japan. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the Same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in China and
He asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000
He Could talk to God.

' O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Pakistan, Srilanka, Russia, Germany and France ...

In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same '$10,000 Per call' sign under it.
The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to up to India to See if Indians had the same phone.

He arrived in India , and again, in the first church he entered, there
Was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read

'One
Rupee per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.
'Father, I've traveled all over World and I've seen this same golden Telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, But in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in India now, Son - it's a Local Call'.This is the only heaven on the Earth. 
KEEP SMILING 
If you are proud to be an Indian pass this on!!!

Via Mari Eta: Never wrap a GMO fish in a newspaper... The GMO bastard fills in the crossword puzzle...

And my usual quote/thought from some of my writings:

(Oftentimes) the best way toward courage is knowledge… from my Lake Mystery.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

jokes for the beginning of the new week and the end of the weekend :)

Some of the bad consequences of being too busy with many different errands is that one could hardly post at his/her blog... Yet, there is always a light in the end of tunnel - to deal with every task/errnad seems not so hard at moments, if only we organize our time well :)....

Two passengers are traveling in a train and the one looks at the other from top to toe. Finally, he says:
"It seems, you look just like my wife, if I just ignore the mustache..."
"But I don't wear a mustache?" says the other.
"Yes, you don't... But my wife wears one..."

Via Joe O’Connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn't make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there's that much more chocolate...

What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind when it hits your windshield? It's asshole.

 

Evolution could be a crazy thing sometimes - it could create people who could be so narrow-minded to like and love only one book, movie, idea, song... from my future Space Ghosts.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

some jokes for the beginning of the week...:)

Hope my new dose of jokes will help many people start a good week :)

Via Georgi Chase: "Why can't you play games in the jungle?

Because there's always gonna be a cheetah.."

 A few priests complain to one another: "I have so  many rats in my church..." says the 1st. "I tried to chase them away with poison but it didn't work at all..."

"There are even more in my church too," sighs the 2nd. "I tried to set them on fire but they are still there..."

"Well, I tried your methods too," says the 3rd. "And when they didn't work either, I just made them my parishioners... So, now they are nowhere to be seen in my church..."

And some interesting facts some guys would consider funny, but I guess the 2nd one is scary too: Via Sanjay Shukla: FACT-FILE: Only 8% of the world's currency exists as physical cash, the rest is electronic....! FACT-FILE: The average billionaire spends $25 million a year on food and entertainment, enough to feed 70,000 hungry people for a year.....!!!  

The balance between good and evil in some people is destroyed to such an extent that they need to hate something or someone all the time. from my future Incredible Future.

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard

middle of the week jokes, everyone! :) some not too for kids, though...

I hope some of my friends from facebook will like to see some of the jokes they shared at the site here too : 

Via Joe O'connell: a little boy in the drugstore with his dad, suddenly creates a fuss, he wants a chocolate Easter Bunny. finally his father gives him one but the boy has a temper storm. he wants a male Easter bunny. the druggist and the father try to tell the boy it doesn't make any difference, with that the boy holds up his little finger, and says there's that much more chocolate... 

Via Lynne Pentney: I was at the post office, when I see a blond woman shouting into an envelope. I asked, "What are you doing?" The blond replied,"Sending a voice mail..."

"Is it true that after the divorce you still live with your esx-wife?" a man asked his friend. 
"Yes..."
"So, is your life better now?"
"Not at all... The only difference is that when we quarrel and she throws dishes at me, she hits me every time..."

 Too much striving for cleaning leads to a dirty mind... my future Incredible Future.

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://pinterest.com/allanbard/

www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/4159102-ivan-stoikov-allan-bard, www.shelfari.com/allanbard,   

 

  

Happy April's Fool Day, everyone :)!

Happy April's Fool day, everyone! Hope your lies/pranks were/are/will be better and more than those of the other who try to lie and make a fun of you...:). Anyway, a few good jokes could make the day perfect even for the victims of the others' pranks and lies: 

THE POLISH DIVORCE -(Joke shared by Avinash Kamat)

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.

One day he rushed into a lawyer's office
and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre and half and nice little home.

No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It made of concrete.

I don't think you understand.
Does either of you have a real grudge?

No, we have carport, and not need one.

I mean what are your relations like?
All my relations still in Poland .

Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.

Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.

Is your wife a nagger?
No, she white.

Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.

What makes you think that?
I got proof.

What kind of proof?
She going to poison me.
She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read English pretty good, and it say:

...POLISH REMOVER..!!

"Your weight is not compatible with your height" said a diet expert to a fat guy. "You see now," the fat guy said to his friends. "I'm tall, not fat!!!"

All the kids have imaginary friends, only those who train martial arts have imaginary enemies... from my future Kids' Funny Business, or Space Parasites.  

http://www.shelfari.com/allanbard, myspace.com/ivan_allanbard, http://www.facebook.com/ivanstoikov.allanbard, ,

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://allanbard.hit.bg,  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,