Some jokes to begin the week with...;)

A kid is telling his friends what a great time they had in the zoo with his family:
"We saw all the animals, but the best was the tiger! He was walking like a king and from time to time came to the bars of the cage and made "PHHHHHHH..."
"Nonsense! Tigers make "ROAR" not "PHHHHH"?
"Yes," said the narrating kid. "But that is when he's with the muzzle towards you..."

A professor during his lecture: "Wake up the colleague beside you, please..."
"You wake him up, professor," replies the student. "You put him to sleep..."

A blonde woman threw a clock out of the window. When they asked her why, she said: "I want to see how the time flies..."

Impulse is when a man gives a woman flowers. But when a woman moans in the phone, it is 12 impulses a minute...

And a thought from my stories: Wishing everyone best wishes could lead to a lot of frustration and trouble... As then the good wishes of the good people and the bad of the bad guys will destroy one another and everything will remain the same... from my future Space Hide&Seek. Have a great week, everyone, nevertheless :)!

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,
http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

Some advices for new authors...

It is a well-known fact that men are extremely inventive and horrible at the same time. There are many shrewd ways to steal and cheat some of the criminals use. Some of them are so skillful that could get round any law. There’s no exception it seems for any kind of business, branch and job. Including publishing, of course…

I cannot say I am the ultimate expert in all the good and bad sides of the long and hard process of books’ birth. Yet, my experience could save any new author a lot of anger, money or frustration. If you’ve written a book and are desperately trying to find a publisher, you’ll definitely come across some “ladies” and “gentlemen” who will “like” your manuscript so much that they will immediately offer you their services of “literary agents”. But when you agree to sign a contract, it will “turn out” that your nice work needs a lot of “editing”… Then, an offer will follow to edit your book in exchange of some money (not too much, compared to other similar but real services), so that it could be really “ready” for the market.

These guys will just take/steal your money and do nothing of their real job, searching and finding a publisher and then earning their percentage of the sold books (about 10 % usually). They will not just steal your money (after their “editing” your manuscript won’t be ready for the market), but your time too. As while they are lying to you that they are editing your work and after that are offering it to many publishers, you could search for and find some real offers from real literary agents and publishers…

I know I shouldn’t post anything offensive for anyone (and use no bad/foul language, though in this case I would really like to), yet I have to share my personal experience with such a lady. A few years ago, Jillanne Kimble, the so called “literary agent”, offered me to represent one of my books (Tale Of The Rock Pieces), but insisted that she had to edit it first, in exchange of some money, of course. As I’m not a native American or Englishman, I knew my work was not perfect, so I signed a contract for editing and then representing of my book with this “lady”… It was a big mistake… Then, I had to wait for nine months to finally receive an “edited” copy of my manuscript and to be really surprised to see that Mrs. Kimble had just put some commas and altered a couple (literally) of words. When I asked her (so many times) what was happening with representing of my work to publishers, she sent a response that so far no one was interested in my book. Then, when I asked her to let me know to which exactly publishers she was offering my manuscript, she just sent and answer: “They are a lot…” Well, finally I realized I was cheated in the most shameless way. I found some good sites with good, useful tips for authors, like writersbeware.org/com and talked to some friends all over the world who were more experienced than me in such matters and send an e-mail to my “literary agent” to let her know that we must put an end to our deal as she was not doing anything of her obligations…

Be aware of such persons, dear authors! If you need editing, use the services of editors, not “literary agents” who try to cheat you and just steal your money, though everything will seem legal. Or try to learn to write better, following grammatical rules, proper punctuation, etc, so that you won’t need any editing, though it seems a really hard task… 

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

                  

Wednesday jokes...;)

Don’t you think that the jokes teenagers/kids tell are amongst the best ? Like:
What’s that which is small, white, has something red in front, flies and clangs?… A snow-flake in menstrual period that’s going to throw some bottles in the garbage…
Have you seen a flying elephant? NO? How can you see it when it flies high…
A youngster went to a famous businessman and said: “I have a great deal for you, Sir! I know how you could earn 300 000 $!”
“Well, let me know then…”
“Do you remember that you offered 600 000 $ to the one who will marry your daughter?”
“Yes, so?”
“Well, I’ll do it just for 300 000 $…”

“I spent 300 $ in the fitness, last week…” said a man to his friend.
“So much? Probably you sleep there and train in the night too?”
“No, it’s just they have so expensive bar…”

And as some of my characters say: Money are amongst the last things that make people rich…

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://allanbard.hit.bg,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=08HTXf00CJ0, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lmVW4-030Yc

http://www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com,

http://www.shelfari.com/allanbard, myspace.com/ivan_allanbard, http://www.facebook.com/ivanstoikov.allanbard

The future of the movies based on books.

Have you ever been frustrated by the way most of the good books are interpreted in the movies based on them? All of my friends all over the world share my opinion that most of the times they have little in common with the written stories. The reason for that is not only one usually (not good interpretation of the director, bad screenplay, poor cast, acting that’s not satisfactory enough, etc). However, I guess one of the most important problems is that movies are too short, compared to the books’ 200-300 pages. It seems it’s too hard to include all the important moments, wisdom, events, or even jokes in the usual 2 hours in a movie hall or TV broadcast.

Many fans would say no movie should be longer than 120 minutes, the modern busy and tense life wouldn’t allow us too much free time for entertainment and fun. Yet, I guess where there’s a will, there’s a way. According to my humble opinion, the time we watch a movie should be as long as the time we read the book on which it is based on. I’m not a computer/software geek, but the fast development of computers and programs is a certain sign in the future it could be possible to watch an eight hour story while we sleep for example. Probably this will be the best way to include everything from a written story in its version of moving pictures? Then, we could see and experience every event and adventure, hear every word, feel every emotion of the characters, miss nothing of the wisdom, quotes, funny jokes, serious anecdotes, etc from a book. Actually, I guess this will be a perfect way to read and watch the story at the same time?

Ideas like that are not new, of course. We could read about them in some works of some famous sci-fi authors too (Diamond Era , Les pieds dans la tete). Though I haven’t met exactly the same idea yet, it seems I am not the only one who appreciates new, better ways for entertainment?

Of course, I don’t claim this should be the only solution for not only complete fun with a movie, but for a perfect combination with its written version? There are some other good ideas I came across: like the opportunity to become one of the heroes in the digitized/dream story, or one of the bad guys just to explore how the plot will change for better, if there are less or no killings, thefts, cheatings, etc?    

  

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, 

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

            

Monday jokes ;) not all good for kids…

via Esther Awuor Okola, a good friend from facebook:

An Airline introduced a special package for Business Men. Buy Your Ticket & Get your wife's ticket free. After great success, the company sent letters/e-mails to all the wives asking how was the trip. All of them gave the same reply..."which trip?"

A customer in a hotel: "This is the best room in the hotel, indeed. But the price is too high... Can we do something to lower it?"
"But this is the room with the best view from the window..." explained the owner.
"Well, what if I promise not to look through it?"

A drunkard woke up in the morning, dressed in a new, silk pyjamas, there was a cup of coffee by his head and note: "Dear, your breakfast is waiting in the kitchen." The man was more than surprised, he asked his son what had happened last night.
"Well, you came home late, drunk like a zombie, vomited everywhere, but when we with mom began to undress you to put you to sleep, you pushed her hands and cried: "Stop that! I'm married!!!"

  A hooker applied for a job in a new brothel. "In your papers is written that you were fired because of depravity?" asked her the surprised owner. "Oh, that's because with some clients I did it for love and didn't take money..."

All the men who wear beards and moustaches must be very proud...;), that's the appearance of the Mountaineers, the only people who could become and train wizards in antiquity...;). That's not a joke, actually, but just a thought from some of my books :).

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

some middle of the week's jokes ;), some of them not too appropriate for kids...

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to piss. One says your thing doesn't have any skin on it. I've been circumcised the other replied. whats that mean ? It means they cut the skin off the end. how old were you when it was cut off. my mom says i was two days old. did it hurt the kid asked . you bet it hurt i didn't walk for a year...

A priest, a rabbi and a Muslim are talking about the power their Gods have:

“Yesterday some colleagues and me were walking in the forest when suddenly a heavy rain fell down…” said the priest. “It was so awful that we could drown… Yet, we prayed to Jesus and He did a great miracle – on the left there was a heavy rain, on the right too, and in the middle the sun appeared and came home safe and sound!”

“That’s nothing!” the Muslim replied. “A week ago we were walking in the desert when an awful sand storm caught us… Then, we prayed to Allah and an amazing miracle happened! On the left the storm was raging, on the right too, but in the middle the weather was cloudless and sunny and could get home happy as larks!”

“Yet, what happened to me is much more profound!” said the rabbi. “A couple of days ago, on Sunday my colleagues and me found a purse full of money on the street… But we couldn’t even touch it on this day, so we prayed to God, and a miracle happened! On the left it was Sunday, on the right too, and in the middle – Thursday!!!”

“Oh, my God! I have twins!” a father in the hospital is in awe. “No, sir, it’s one baby…” says the nurse. “And next time don’t drink before you come in the hospital…”

 

What’s the difference between the good and bad student? The good student studies a lot, but the time is short so he/she knows well 28 out of 30 themes… Then, he/she draws the 2 themes he/she doesn’t know and becomes mad he/she didn’t study more… The bad student studies little, and knows only 3 of his/hers 30 themes. Then, he/she draws 2 of these he/she knows and becomes mad he/she studied for the 3^rd… the last is actually from my next Kids’ Funny Business ;).

 http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.facebook.com/pages/Author-Allan-Bard-Ivan-Stoikov-Fan-Page-Strategic-Book-Group/121092637984053,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew,

http://www.facebook.com/home.php#!/ivanstoikov.allanbard, http:// www.allanbard.blogspot.com, www.allanbard.wordpress.com

Some of my poems...

A couple of months ago I made a short video with some of my poems combined with some nice photos (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew), but many of my friends told me I chose a too fancy font and they were hard to read... Sorry, this was my 1st attempt, so in the future I'll keep that in mind. As many of them wanted to read my poems, I decided to make this post, which includes some of them (the rest and future are not ready yet :):
From my Tale Of The Rock Pieces:
Love and happiness will be around, as all the chains will disappear!
And Mountaineers will climb their mount, and there won't be any tear!

The sky is full of weightless creatures and Conquerors are there too,
with all their awful features, And they will reach us soon...
And hands are weak, and blades are shining, but it's so hard to seek the enemies,
when they are hiding...

The fingers are dirty wit red infusion,
the pots are heavy like stone.
The young hunters come to the conclusion,
that the dragon is big and it's not a foam... a poem/song of the water dragons' hunters.

From my The Opposite Of Magic:
When the truth will be revealed,
but the guilt cannot be sealed,
when the memories cannot be hidden,
and the joy will be forbidden.
Then a hope will be around, then new legend will be found,
then new truth will change the story, and Eol will feel the glory... 

Let's watch the moon, let's meet the sun!
Let's hear soon the way the Deed was done!
Let's listen to the sounds the shiny crystals played,
let's welcome crowds of creatures good and great!

No more illness, no more whips,
happiness is there, joyful kids.
Melodies from crystals shiny make every being laugh,
kids' hands make wonders tiny, and dance replaces cuff.

http://www.strategicpublishinggroup.com/title/TaleOfTheRockPieces.html, http://allanbard.hit.bg, http://allanbard.hpage.com, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0yw3a5n00FI, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_qUA8Avl7ew, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ijJl-6Be88, www.allanbard.wordpress.com